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Shrink Rap:
Being Down and Out in the |
How quickly one can
go from stress and technology expert to a spiraling state of techno-panic? All it
takes is: a) being interviewed by a couple of magazine reporters ("Vanity thy
name is Gorkin!") on how the small business person as well as the general public
can cope with the ever present, ever increasing demands of technological instruments
and innovations, e.g., cell phones, car phones, laptops, palmtops, FAX, email, smart
appliances, etc. and b) venturing into the labyrinthine, demon-lurking shadow of
chaos and depression ó "The Valley of the Upgrade." And believe me, I do
fear evil!
These days, instruments of efficiency are themselves becoming instrumental for increasing
numbers feeling out of control of life's demands and responsibilities. And alas,
even with the guiding hand of technical support or a web master (and, alas, sometimes
because of such mavens) staying on the edge of expansion can be fraught with uncertainty
and anxiety. And when cybermania is not so far removed from a condition of technophobia,
when the workstation crashesÖso does the Stress Doc.
Setting the Primal Screen
Actually, high anxiety hit about a month ago when told by an email recipient's
firewall service that an attached file detected a virus. My trial McAfee Scan had
ended. Was I being punished for my brief security lapse? And worse, was I infecting
others?
I'm immediately on the phone ordering the McAfee Scan software. Well, immediately
is bit of an exaggeration. I can't recall how many buttons were pushed or how long
I had to wait for a human voice. And then the trial starts in earnest. The first
technical representative assures me that installing the software from their web site
is "easy." Just follow the 21 steps of instructions covering at least two
pages. Several futile attempts made it eminently clear that I was going up the down
escalator. The obvious lesson: "Never trust a technical support person who claims,
"It's easy!" Basically, she was trying to get rid of me.
It took a second McAfee support person to explain that I, along with legions of cyber
folks, had "The Pretty Princess Virus" (or some such seductive name). And
the virus was preventing installation of their scan. He was walking me through the
input process at the MS--DOS level, when I get a "Call Waiting" signal.
(I have a dedicated modem line so there's no equipment conflict.) I put Mr. Techie
on hold, dismiss the call in 30 seconds and, to my horror, Mr. Tech Support is no
longer there. He has my number, surely he'll call me back. Dream on Doc. My disillusion
is compounded by the fact that this guy agreed that techie #1 was just trying to
dump me. He seemed to understand my need for step-by-step guidance. Okay, lesson
#2: "Never break away from tech support!"
Three hours later, and several consultations with his supervisor, the third expert
finally delivers me to the land of milk and honeyÖor, at least, no more undetected
viruses. Two creatures are detected and zapped.
And, in the immediate aftermath, with just a little prodding from my web guy, John,
I transformed this cyber danger into a technical window of opportunity: I would replace
my fairly dated system with a new computer. Following Johnís recommendations, I ordered
a much faster system ó 500mhz, four times more memory, 8GB hard drive, etc. (I still
feel I'm talking dirty. ;-) John isn't a "hot rod," GEN X techie. He's
of the Baby Boom Generation, having received a Ph.D. in computer sciences in the
ë70s. In addition to a web design/development business, he's VP of Technology for
a large savings and loan. But there's the rub. He had COMPAQ ship their IPAQ with
a Windows 2000 operating system.
The Virtual Extended Weekend from Hell
Initially, John sets up the computer, the external modem, the zip drive and the
17" monitor. (Who said bigger isn't better?) Before finishing he connects to
my Internet Service Provider (ISP). He installs the trial AOL 4.0 which comes with
the IPAQ. Then he has to leave, though he promises to be back tomorrow (Saturday)
with a Microsoft Office CD and a tools disk for transferring data to a zip drive.
John has the proverbial wife, dog and house, that is, a life. The nerve! (When I
was doing a lot of writing, a favorite aphorism was: "I no longer have a life,
I have a memoir." Now with the influx of media interviews it's, "I no longer
have a life, I have a quote!" My existential purpose is definitely shrinking.)
Speaking of shrinking, the previous night I had to weather being called a "wimp"
by a therapy client - a lawyer, no less - when I confessed to waiting for my web
guy to unpack the computer boxes in the hall. Hey, as long as I'm no longer a "computer
virgin," knock yourself out. You'll seeÖthe compassionately mirthful meek not
just the techno-geek shall inherit cyberspace. But I may have to wait for my rewardÖAnd
wait, and wait.
Friday evening, after John left, I started downloading AOL 5.0 from America Online's
upgrade download page. Talk about cruel and unusual punishment for a guy who probably
has a touch of ADHD. The 10% per hour download rate wasn't just maddeningly slow,
AOL would throw me off after a few minutes if I wasn't interacting with AOL. So I
was chained to the computer. The only thing saving my sanity was that I didn't lose
my completed percentage of download upon signing back on. And to make matters worse,
even as I got up to 58% completion, the lower box still smirked that that 400 minutes
(of the original 600 minutes) remained for download completion. Talking with a friend
on the phone, she could barely stifle her hysterical laughter. Good night. Time for
a Salty Oat Cookie and Darjeeling First Flush at the teahouse.
The next morning I'm at 68% and just can't endure more baby-sitting hours. Of course,
a call to AOL technical support elicits a recorded message suggesting calling again
when tech support is less busy. And then a window (alas, with a small "w").
My neighbor's door is open. I call to her as she is prancing down the hall. Yes!ÖShe
has an AOL 5.0 CD, bless her heart.
I insert the disk; seem to be making progress signing on as a current member, when
a window asks for my screen name. And wouldn't you know, "stressdoc" is
taken. HelloÖWake up, you damn program: "I'm the Stress Doc. It's my screen
name!" In near desperation, I uninstall AOL 4.0 thinking somehow that might
be the screen name obstacle. 68% completion rate be damned. While I get points for
boldness, clearly an "F" for diagnostic assessment skills. I still can't
sign on to 5.0.
Mercifully, my friend Hank calls to bring over a Norton Utilities software package.
Hank, an Emergency Room Doc enjoys tinkering with the nuts and bolts of electrical
systems and gadgets. And yes, Hank points out that while I started the sign-on process
as a "current member," I overlooked the need to change the default member
status in a subsequent question box. My heart leaps wildly as we sign on to AOL with
5.0. (Nonetheless, Hank is right: too often I get impatient and don't read directions
carefully.) I gladly endure Hank's slightly superior grin, heartily pat him on the
back, tussle his hair and offer to treat us to an ice cream cone.
But the unadulterated joy is tempered upon discovering that his version of Norton
utilities 2000 is not compatible with the Windows 2000 operating system. Still, the
finish line is in sight.
The Light, The TunnelÖThe Train
Later that day John returns, heartened to hear that I'm on 5.0. And then, almost
as quickly we both are deflated ó I have no Internet access. After pondering the
issue, there's only one likely answer (which I'm proud to say I announced first):
Windows 2000 and AOL software are not compatible. John initially is skeptical; WIN
2K has such wide usage. Surely, AOL must work with this operating system.
But before our working session ends, we are both left with a common task, one that
particularly pains John, a big fan of Windows 2000: 1) are the new computer operating
system and AOL compatible? and most salient, 2) can one safely remove Windows 2000
and replace it with Windows 98?
The answers from the sources: 1) not quite yet; AOL is beta testing AOL/WIN 2K compatibility
and 2) yesÖbut a variety of audio, video drivers must be downloaded from Compaq's
web site. So I have another assignment: buy Windows 98.
We take a work break on Sunday inspired by John's wife. The previous evening on the
phone she angrily let's me know that I'm abusing her husband's time or, at least,
not paying him enough money for all the hours he puts in working for me (and other
web clients). And, as mentioned, John has a day job.
While not using a good "I" message ó "Do you want to be the cause
of him having a heart attack? -- his wife has a point. Nonetheless, she's missing
the obvious: this is life and death; my Internet access is at stake. And her abrupt
hang up doesn't sit well. (Then again, I wasn't a total innocent. I had called John
Saturday night to share my findings from COMPAQ and AOL. John wasn't home. His wife
would only convey a verbal message as she didn't want any more weekend contact between
John and me. My message: "Have John call me when he gets back.")
When John calls Sunday afternoon, unaware of last night's phone encounter, I let
John know, "He has a good agent." And in the puzzled silence, I add, "His
wife!" With genuine appreciation, John accepts my offer of $500 for this consuming
project. (His ongoing commitment to our web site clearly influences my decision-making.)
While the triangle confrontation is defused, I belatedly realize the angry, somewhat
hysterical reaction by his wife evokes echoes of encounters between my mother and
me. (John doesn't have a heart problem.)
Monday night, seemingly, one last push. Five hours of attempted repair work and then
another call to COMPAQ. We need to download to a floppy disk an old execution order
(.exe) link to install Windows 98 with requisite drivers. And it seems it can't be
done without sacrificing six of eight gigabytes of hard drive. We lament our state,
then quickly (it's getting late) dismantle the new IPAQ, repack it and set up my
old computer system.
Actually, it doesn't feel so bad being back in the old saddle. I never did bond with
my new system. Also, I'm aware of feeling less anxious about the process now that
diagnostic confusion is not running rampant or because I'm spinning wildly in tech
support circles. Of course, now the big issue is whether COMPAQ will allow me to
exchange my system for a computer with Windows 98? Or can COMPAQ, itself, do the
necessary surgery?
While not yet having the answer to this one, the learning curve this weekend has
been as steep as it has been frustrating. Some sadder but wiser psychological wisdom
has been gleaned. And here are "Five Hazards of Pushing the IT Envelope When
More Technologically Geek than Meek!":
1. Accept Vulnerability and Pay Attention. As a self-employed, home-based professional
with a limited (yet painfully growing) understanding of the complexities and interfacings
of computer hardware and software systems as the world gets increasingly hi-tech,
my vulnerabilities are increasingly evident. Of course, this on the edge state is
magnified when a significant component of one's business and art is computer and
cyber dependent.
And yet, as I've discovered in this Brave New World, one doesn't have to be the Lone
Ranger or the Lone Hacker (in the non-criminal sense of the term). In fact, for us
low and medium tech folks ó self-employed or otherwise ó collaboration is essential.
For example, my synergistic efforts include working with:
a) a web master on a site, b) editors of e-zines, c) chat group hosts, the AOL/Digital
City team that's responsible for the promotion and functionality of the weekly "Shrink
Rap and Group Chat," and d) a consultant adept at establishing effective metetag
listings to improve search engine positioning. The computer and cyber worlds are
too vast and complex for me to be a techno-virtual expert along with the compelling
desire to evolve as a writer and public performer. Listen, Stress DocÖ"You can't
do it all!" And yet, I want to not just psycho babble but also to walk the talk;
to live my aphorism: "Go web young cyberite!"
2. Explore Dependence, Evolve Interdependence. Through my "On Becoming
an Internet Entrepreneur" workshops and through an online coaching service for
health professionals, I'm cognizant of the numbers who have avoided or dawdled when
it comes to generating an Internet presence. These folks are thankful for email and
a capacity for online research; they also have the mistaken belief that you must
be techno-savvy or at least know Hypertext Mark Up Language (HTML code) to get started.
For us hi-touch folks, the key, as mentioned above, is finding computer and cyber
professionals with whom you can collaborate; people who can bring your experience
and content to life. As I announced to my web guy in our prehistoric startup era
(about four years ago): "John, you have all this arcane computer knowledge,
I have all this psycho babble, let's build a website."
But while there are many points of active interchange ó integrating content and graphics,
layout of a webpage, etc.- that lends itself to mutual brainstorming, when a technical
breakdown occurs, the leader and follower status differential is clear. Actually,
the computer and the Stress Doc become the patients. In the current Windows 2000
debacle, the instant phrase was John performing surgery to remove WIN 2K. Surgery
on my brand new baby!
Uncomfortable dependence also occurs when calling up tech support. One needs to be
prepared that a 20 something's smirk streaking through the phone line just might
bite you in the ego. Alas, an expert status in many roles is irrelevant. I have to
accept feeling like (and sometimes being treated as) an awkward, inadequate distinctly
subordinate player in this interchange. It's not unlike how many Type A clients feel
when they begin the psychotherapy process. They don't truly understand their genuine,
undercover emotions nor what it means to share real and vulnerable feelings. These
individuals are familiar with establishing an aggressive posture or an intellectual
debater's or bully's armored cover: the best defense is being offensive! I'm not
looking for a complete Type A personality transformation. My learning curve goal
is a little less denial coupled with communication skills for expressing emotions,
especially anger, in a non-hostile, non-accusatory and non-abusive manner.
And for me, when computer crisis time hits in this vulnerable learning space, while
frustration is inevitable, the key is getting my anxiety under control.
3. Ebb in the Web, Go with the Flow. When a major operational computer problem
hits that resists the quick fix and prevents or retards my AOL/cyberspace functionalityÖI'm
hurtling to a state of high anxiety if not a near panic reaction. After several futile
problem-solving attempts I can only hand over the problem to an expert. I'm also
noticing that my loss of control with the computer, especially not having a clear
diagnosis or prognosis, seems to mimic the grief process: after the initial shock
and dread, a helpless feeling prevails ó until I sense the problem is being competently
addressed.
When the McAfee installation problem hit over July 4th weekend, with no cavalry in
sight, I developed a case of the "emotional flu." Staying in bed allowed
me to alternate between shutting down all the turmoil and obsessing over whether
my files were indeed infected. And taking to bed, analogous to lying on the couch
in psychoanalysis also allowed me to pay close attention to my inner emotional cauldron,
that is, to face the shame and fear: when informed of the virus, would the recipients
be angry and anxious enough to decline being part of my informal syndication list?
Grappling with this fear of rejection and approach-avoidance tension propelled me
to do the right thing. I warned the small sample of recipients of an infected zip
file attachment and my determination to scrub all files. Courage is it's own relief,
if not reward.
When the flu symptoms subsided, the next challenge was letting go of business as
usual. Being organized and focused is critical for successfully juggling my various
roles Yet when breakdown hits I must adapt to a different mode: a) when working with
tech support, I must accept that a big chunk of the day may have to be devoted to
waiting on the phone (even Mozart can't totally tranquilize me at these moments),
being transferred to the right department, more waiting, maybe or maybe not getting
the right computer doc with the right screen-side manner, being cut off, etc., etc.
The key realization: I must let go of my preordained schedule and agenda.
And this letting go process is even more pronounced when I turn the problem over
to my web master. It's truly out of my keyboard, mouse and hands. And the unexpected
epiphany is that despite being laid low by a mini "dark night of the soul,"
I can survive being grounded in cyberspace. While the computer is an essential part
of my day to day operations, it's valuable recalling that I have a real life as well
as a virtual one. With a history of clinical depression, no doubt being on Prozac
enables me to more quickly crawl out of bed, to more resiliently resolve conflict,
to flexibly shift out of grief-black hole entropy into refocused energy once "the
flu" runs its course. Clearly, vulnerability and vitality have Yin/Yang potential.
4. Be Vigilant with Viruses. Speaking of the flu, clearly there's been first
hand learning regarding the disruptive potential of getting a virus. And what's so
difficult, akin to real life, you can get it from a well-intentioned friend or colleague.
I likely contracted a virus from my book editor while sharing attached files that
had been worked on with an editing software program. (And it's possible, my sending
back the files led to her system breaking down.) Big surprise...We subsequently have
shifted to a cut and paste email relationship.
The reality is that viruses are everywhere present. The McAfee tech person assured
me thousands of others also had Pretty Princess startup problems. I suppose there's
some truth in the updated maxim: "Misery doesn't just like companyÖit likes
miserable company!"
After my editor speculated that one can download infected information from a web
site not just from being hacked or opening a Trojan attachment, daily virus scanning
is "de rigueur." So, from one who has lost his cyber innocence and sense
of being impregnable and invulnerableÖPractice Safe Cyber!
5. Challenge the Cutting Edge. Not being a gadget geek, I don't indiscriminately
need to have the latest peripheral or version of this and that. And now I have good
reason for upgrading somewhat conservatively: major technology components are not
in sync. AOL doesn't work with Windows 2000; Hank's version of Norton Utilities purchased
a month ago was not WIN 2K compatible. Experiencing first hand the benefits of Windows
2000 over 98 in his bank manager role, John recommended ordering an IPAQ with the
latest operating system. Alas, from a variety of sources, including a COMPAQ engineer,
WIN 2K is more for corporations. Next time, I speak live to a salesperson, not just
place an efficient online order.
But I still believe we are in pioneer territory and space-time regarding computer
technology and the Internet. Many learning curves lie ahead. To paraphrase a Stress
Doc essay written in the aftermath of breaking into Cable Television in the early
80s: It's the age of "Creative Risk-Taking: The Art of Designing Disorder."
So let us keep exploring and documenting our trials and triumphs. Anyone have a tale
of techno-terror that was survived with some healing humor? In anxious and amorphous,
on the edge times, mutual support ó sharing the tears and the joys ó is critical.
As pioneering film genius Charlie Chaplin observed: "The paradoxical thing of
making comedy is that it's precisely the tragic which arouses the funny. We have
to laugh (due to) our helplessness in the face of natural forces and in order not
to go crazy." Sounds like a philosophy for helping me and othersÖPractice
Safe Stress!
Mark Gorkin, LICSW, known as "The Stress Doc," is the Internet's and America Online's "Online Psycho humorist" (TM). An experienced psychotherapist, The Doc is a nationally recognized speaker, and training and OD consultant specializing in Stress, Anger Management, Reorganizational Change, Team Building and HUMOR! His writings are syndicated by iSyndicate.com and appear in a wide variety of online and off-line forums and publications, including AOL's Online Psych and Business Know How, Mental Health Net, Financial Services Journal Online, Paradigm Magazine and Counseling Today. Check out his USA Today Online "Hotsite" Website-- www.stressdoc.com. For info on his workshops or for his free newsletter, email stressdoc@aol.com or call 202-232-8662. Fall 2000, look for Practicing Safe Stress with the Stress Doc:Survival Skills from the Online Psychohumorist, published byAdviceZone.com.